So if you're gonna read this, bear with me.

I've been wondering a lot lately why i'm still here. Almost like an Ebenezer Scrooge moment. If I had never existed, what would things be like? You can't say they'd be terrible, everyone would still be generally happy, it'd have to work. No one would have known that I could have existed, no one could imagine what i'd be like. Things would be different, but not bad.
and Then I think. What if I died? People would know me, and they would know that I did exist. Have I really changed someone's life? I am not a "unique individual". I know that there is someone, somwhere with almost the same exact personality, moods, etc as me. No one is that unique. I mean I know i've changed the timing of events in strangers lives. For example. I walk across a parking lot and make a car wait until I get across the walkway. What if I wasn't there? Could they have been in a wreck at that time down the road instead of waiting for me to pass by? Besides changing someone's life in that aspect, what have I done? Sure, I changed my family's life. but What else. I am replaceable. Everyone is. There's an Alan in every group of friends. I'm not depressed or anything, I just spontaneously think of these things. I guess I just wanna know exactly what my purpose is.When i'm done here, I want to know what it was God was holding me here for.



Someone also made me realize what i've done with my life so far. It's no big deal that i'm most likely going to college. At least I thought. but I realized today, that I am the first in my entire family. My great-great-grandparents, my great-grandparents, my grandparents, my parents, none of my siblings- none of them went to college. I guess it's a sentimental accomplishment.


I also realize that in about two years I won't have the same friends that I have right now. It's pretty much a part of life, and growing up, I guess. but I know that i'll acquire new "bestfriends" over the years. It's almost unavoidable.

I'm so very ready to graduate.


I promise i'm not depressed, or sad, when I think of these things. Like I said, they spontaneously pop into my mind. I'm so weird.